All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
