Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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