I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...