I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
These 27 People Had No Idea What They Were Doing When It Came To Sex
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.