You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection