he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
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If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
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Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who