At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
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Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
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How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.