sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon