i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
i don't wanna talk about it
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him