Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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