Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
