Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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