i was born a porn star she said
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
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No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
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C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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