Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
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