if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
