i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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