My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
