thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
