It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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