he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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