In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
