Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
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She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
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If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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