My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
