I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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