shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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