Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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