i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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