sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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