my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
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