woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My underwear smells like fireworks.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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