The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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