Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
high people should be assigned attendants
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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