I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
