he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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