Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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