dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
