And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
