sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
