Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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