The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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