good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
