life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
we're making bets on your personal life
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
