Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I think I just sharted jello shots
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
