i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
