I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You may now shotgun with the bride
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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