If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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