dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
