I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
