Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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