My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
