Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
