He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
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I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
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You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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