I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
