i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
