Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
