I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
