ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
