I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's shark week go big or go home
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
