Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
