also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
This is my gift to your gina
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
