Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
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