i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
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